My Thoughts on V-day

Now, let’s just settle some pre-conceived ideas you may be having about this article. It’s not a witch fest where I’ll be ranting about my singleness, with an ‘Oh-woe-is-me’ attitude. I’m simply addressing a subject that Valentine’s Day seems to highlight with the broad spectacle and grandeur of a Broadway production.

Singleness.

The subject has made itself very apparent for me in my third year of college. There are numerous articles about it through many different great Christian magazines, blogs (Relevant, namely) and has increased its weight in my life to such a burden that I’ve more than once had to rely on my friends to support me.

For most of my life I’ve been single. I realize I am not alone in this, but for whatever reason it has become glaringly obvious this year, and a deep-seated urgency has also taken root.

I’ve found myself fighting thoughts and feelings similar to: “Well, your friends have been faithful in their pursuits of Christ, so naturally they would be rewarded with God-fearing men.” To “you’re really running out of time… you know that, right?”

I realize that both of these thoughts are entirely irrational, but nevertheless they become battles I have to fight against roughly every day.

A darkness very similar to the one I had expressed last spring in my post: “Raw” came back in a familiar fashion, which really annoyed me, because any old foe is never welcome when you have conquered them in your life.   

Through my times of reflection, one commonality intermixed and hidden in all of these fears has come to the surface: my fear of loneliness.

For the past few years I have made some friendships that rival any I had made previously in any forms of grade school. Friendships I know that I will make every effort to maintain once our ways are parted and God leads us in different directions.

Romantic relationships break that up a bit early, and the realization that these relationships my friends are in are just a step in that direction of separation is very hard.

For the past three years of my small life, I have been relying on these women through different areas of refinement that my Creator has put me through. SERIOUS refinement through some major character flaws, and through some of my very first serious life decisions that will affect the way I live the rest of my life. As such, they are some of the most important people in my life.

I tried for a while to stuff these feelings like they normally do, but they proved too strong, and my God was ever more merciful to press my friends to express how I was feeling.

They were great, reassuring me of my worth in Christ, but it was never enough. I walked away from conversations feeling just as empty, and vehemently fighting against bitterness towards them and the seeming fantasy splendor glory of their rainbow-unicorn relationships… I guess I’m still working some of that out.

Hey, it’s a constant battle against our sinful nature, guys.

On the other side of the coin was the logic that said: “You know, you could get any guy you want…” A logic that is both extremely vain and unrealistic for a few reasons:

1.       No one should date someone because ‘they can’.

2.       It’s SO selfish of me to even think this, because no one’s doing me any favors dating me, because well, if I do get married that stuff takes real work and dedication so anyone you date should be someone who you could see yourself marrying.

3.       I’m really still figuring all of this crap out, so please don’t consider me a dating guru… There’s a lot of other great books out there on this (B-I-B-L-E whatup).

One final thought also made itself apparent.

What am I doing to cultivate the main relationship that truly gives me Life?

I’m looking at this fantasy as a way to fulfill this intimately-rooted desire to be fulfilled through long strings of adoration, praise, and also challenge. A problem I’ve carried into several of my relationships, regardless of whether or not they were romantic, friendship, or family based.

My worth in Christ in unmeasurable, every day He makes ways for me to feel adored, telling me constantly that the insecurities I’m feeling about my acne that just won’t go away, to the significant difference in the tightness of jeans that day is not a direct reflection of my WORTH in His Heart. In the Heart of the Creator of the Universe.

My worth is not based on the amount of people in my life, or the amount of affection they have for me. Those relationships are definitely an added richness, and are highly valuable, but when I start putting them on a high plane that what I have Christ at, that is when I am lacking fulfillment.

It’s like eating a handful of salad after you haven’t eaten all day. Don’t get me wrong, I love salad, but that stuff just won’t cut it when I haven’t eaten all day.

I’ve written a poem that further illustrates this journey. It’s called ‘Her’ and it’s my second most recent post after this one.

I hope that this Valentine’s Day, while many of us are wandering around without a significant other, there are so many other levels of love besides romance. Ones that add a richness to your life more than the passion of romance can. It’s only like, the top level after all. Families, friends, and every relationship should be celebrated on a day of love.

Thanks so much for reading, and as always I hope and pray that this post motivates you to seek our Creator, the giver of Life to all things.

Sincerely,

Alyse

Her

I’ve got a sister, a sister I don’t tell anyone about.

She’s probably the closest in blood to me that anyone could be, because, well, she is me.

I guess the term ‘sister’ was misleading.

Sorry for the misdirection.

I just wanted to make a better connection.

I really hate talking about her, she makes me look bad.

She’s thin, though not an attractive thin that Hollywood portrays.

She wears a wedding dress, waiting for the promised knight in shining armor.

I asked her once why she wears it, she just replied:  “I’m just saving some time, I don’t want to give him a reason to leave.”

                ////

She’s weak, her skin hasn’t seen the sun in quite a while, because, I keep her locked away; I don’t want anyone to know about her.

Her eyes are sullen, used to being open wide to see in the darkness.

She’s my deepest fear, my biggest embarrassment.

Her hair is stringy, and she’s my most tremendous harassment.

Her teeth are yellow, because all she eats are sweety treats

She’ll whine if I give her anything of substance.

And boy is she ugly… her hip bones protrude from her thin dingy dress like two tent posts underneath a tarp.

Her spine seems unnaturally sharp.

She’s the last person I want anyone to know about, I bring her out very last in a mock celebration, wearing a humorous hat to ease the shock, wincing when I see the look on people’s faces.

I sit there ready, waiting for them to tie up their shoe laces;    for the run.

It’s been this way for a while.

                ////

Then I met a man.

Though not in the way that most people do.

There was nothing romantic about it, He was just kind.

He seemed to know what was on my mind.

What was scandalous was, he asked me about Her right away, if He could see Her.

I feigned ignorance, pretending like I didn’t know what He was talking about.

And I was just about to shout…  He looked at me the way my mother used to, that all-knowing smirk.

I looked right back at him, telling him through my eyes that it WOULD NOT work.

He didn’t ask me a second time, He seemed to know right where I kept Her.

I told him, shouted at Him, begged Him, lost all pride and fell on my face before Him.

But it was there on the ground that I knew then…

It was then that he walked right past me, right to the door…

He knocked… then He knocked again…

What was weird was, she didn’t answer right away.

I thought: Maybe He won’t stay…

But then He knocked, and He knocked again

I thought: this isn’t going to end

He kept right on knocking though, even through my tears and screaming, He kept on PROCEEDING.

I shouted at Him: Why can’t you leave Her alone? She’s hideous, you don’t want to see her, she’s weak, all she eats are tasty treats, the serpent said that if no one knew about her, I could have glory, I could move mountains and live like a Queen! It’s better if she’s stays there in the darkness! No one could ever love HER.

Then the door opened.

She peered around the corner, squinting in the light that was not much brighter than what she was in.

But I guess if all you’ve lived in is darkness, any light would be shocking.

Especially when it’s from Him.

She looked so confused, He was not what she was expecting.

She just kept staring at Him, and I was standing there, in awe, because the look on His face was not one of disgust, or one of politeness.

It was one of the purest love, joy, peace, patience and kindness.

When she said “hello” it was in a voice so small you wouldn’t have even been able to hear it in falling snow.

I sighed, exhausted from all of my ranting still waiting for Him to flee.

He stayed, resilient as a thousand-year-old tree.

He said softly, as a rancher does to a scared animal in a dangerous situation: “May I come in?”

“In here?” she asked, “No one has ever wanted to come in here..”

He just smiled softly, then gestured towards me, urging me forward, and putting His arm around me.

“We would both like to come in, if that’s okay.”

I was beyond uncomfortable.

My stomach was on a turn-table.

Her sparse eyebrows were furrowed, gauging whether or not to grab the hat I usually parade her in.

Then she opened up the door so He could see Her in full view.

Knowing, too, that she was the last choice as someone any man would want to woo.

I kept on expecting His hand to fall, for him to lace up his nikes and run to any other place that promised more fun.

She said: “yes, please come in.”

My heart dropped, surely this was it, I braced myself for the inevitable sprint, surely this was a stint.

Because no one ever stays

They’ve got too many changing ways.

It’s too much work, I’m too much work.

But not for Him.

He entered my heart, looked at my sister in the face, looked at me in the face and said: “I have redeemed you, you are mine, I have ransomed you, you are free. I am the both the breath and the bread of life, I have called you by name, you are mine. You are worth more to me than all of the nations of the earth combined, I have sought you out, you are not too much work, I did the biggest expression of love for anyone and I have died for you, but also come back to life because I could not be without you.

You are my Beloved.

He’s not a boy. I’m not smitten.

It’s not some kind of affection you have for a kitten.

It’s deep, and wide, and spans centuries; the history of all Creation.

There is nothing that can separate me from it. I am called beautiful in the eyes of my Lover. For eternity He will pursue me, and I will sing His praises because He deserves it. He completes me in every single way. I am whole, and free, and I have the breath of life within me.

A Tremendous Heart

This summer I was wrecked for the Gospel. I guess I should say it was re-wrecked. The reason I say ‘wrecked’ is because like a ship out on the open ocean that has rammed itself into an island, so I am not able to leave the Love of my Lord and savior because I understand this simple fact: that, as humans,  we are wicked enough to need a savior, but loved so much that he chose to.

To flesh that statement out, and to answer the inevitable question: ‘well, I don’t need to be saved from anything, I’m a good person’.  Perhaps the best and most simple way I’ve heard sin and the gospel really explained is through a movie called Courageous. It’s kind of extremely cheesy, but super simple. And super awesome because it demonstrates the Gospel extremely well, and gives people a wonderful example of how we need to live it out. It’s also a great family movie, but I’ll just go ahead and get to my point.

The way it is explained is this: all sin separates us from God. Because of this, it’s like if someone was to rape and murder your mother, or someone in your life that you care deeply for. The person who did it was apprehended and brought to court. Once there, the person stands up and says to the judge, “excuse me sir, but I have many years working with the homeless. I have built houses for them, clothed them, fed them, and have also worked at an orphanage in Tijuana, bringing them gifts and supplying for their needs as well. As you can see, this was a one-time act and I can assure you it will not happen again.”

The bible says that God is a good judge. So, would God be a good judge if He simply excused whatever it is that we do ‘just that one time’?  Rhetorical question, and I can hear you all sighing and rolling your eyes. The beauty of grace is that God loved us so much, that he stood up from the crowd of witnesses at the trial and said to the judge: “Your Honor, I will take this person’s place.”

There are two sides to the beauty of this illustration. The man did absolutely NOTHING to deserve this sacrifice. There was no amount of work he could have done to eliminate the debt that he owed to society, or the insurmountable amount of pain that he caused the family (Matthew 18:23-35 is also a good illustration for this).

I think a large part of the reason everyone hates a judgmental person is because every person literally has no reason to be judging anyone else. We all know that deep down, there is something fundamentally wrong. Self-help aisles are full of ‘easy fixes’ promising to alleviate the pain. Frat parties also present a nice distraction through liquid, hormones, and deep beats. Books and airplanes provide escapes as well, one in your mind, the other physically.

They will not satisfy. They will not even come close.

One day in particular about halfway through the trip, I was boldly challenged by my mentor for the summer to apply the principles we had been learning the past few weeks, and invite someone to hang out. Now, I had only been working for two or three weeks at this point and really felt like I was really rushing things. But this was another item in a long list of occurrences where I had absolutely no control of the outcome of this challenge and all day at work, I prayerfully petitioned the Lord that He would provide an opportunity to reach out to my coworkers.

Another part of the challenge was to capture my thoughts for the Gospel for the day. What I mean by this is: I have a very active imagination. Unfortunately that sometimes gets the better of me and causes me to focus on things that really have nothing to do with my life. I have vivid daydreams that range from Space Adventures to discovering a portal to Narnia where I forlick with Aslan in the magical in-between world. Both of those are accurate daydreams that I have had. Your welcome world. The challenge was to instead of letting my mind wander aimlessly, focus on the simplest form of the Gospel I know: that I was wicked enough to need a savior, but loved so much that he chose to. I also recited scripture that we had been learning all summer.

I can safely say that both of these practices shook my perspective from focus on myself to focus directly on others around me, and what ways were that I could love on them directly. I also ended up not only hanging out with just one or two coworkers, but three. God is good.

You guys. When all of your thoughts are meditating on The Lord, and His love, you can’t help but look outward. Because your gaze no longer stretches to the end of your backyard, God lifts you up above the clouds to see the expanse of the Valley, and eventually the curvature of the earth. Our life is not our own. Thank God. There is something else so incredibly larger than anything even the most creative person could conjure up.

Perhaps the biggest thing I took away this summer aside of the Gospel and its direct impact on my life (which is pretty huge) is the fact that laziness and apathy are an epidemic within believers EVERYWHERE, especially in the US. There is a sleeping army that is regressing in their faith without discipleship, they need brothers and sisters to come alongside them and refresh them with the gospel to bring their dead flesh back to life.

You guys, what makes Jesus different is not that He makes bad people good. He takes dead people and brings them to life. Christianity is not about merely ‘being good people’. Christianity is not about Christianity. Let that evil notion die. Take it and throw it in the grave with the other tired and fainting corpses, because the Good News of Jesus Christ, the Living King is yes He died on the cross, but He went to Hell and said; “I have paid the price. Death you have no place here, they are mine. I love them, I cherish them.”

Also, Satan could care less about you. He’s not consumed with trying to trip you up. His sole objective is to cause God pain by leading you into dark places where you are too consumed with yourself to see that you are chasing something that does not exist. However ridiculous it is for a dog to chase its tail and believe it is chasing a cat, that is how ridiculous it is for us to chase anything besides our Lord Jesus Christ. Fully God and fully man, who relentlessly pursues us beyond the limits of what we perceive as the bounds of life.

WAKE UP SLEEPING ARMY. This is a call to arms. If you are serious about your relationship with God at all, you get yourself with another believer and you hold each other accountable to read your bible, because if you’re wanting to know the character of God, you go to The Word that He specifically spoke to us. And you pray. That is the most offensive option that we as believers have. You knock on heaven’s door until your soul bleeds because that is exactly what God wants. If you’re serious about someone’s salvation that you know, instead of telling them what is wrong with them, you pray for them and you humble yourself before God, because God loves them infinitely more than you ever could and wants them reunited with Him at all costs.

We have NOTHING to be proud of. Our very breath proclaims the glory of God.

One of my favorite verses is Psalm 91:15 “He will call upon me, and I will answer Him.” God is not sitting above us, twiddling his fingers and wishing we could do right. He already knows we’re going to mess up. He’s not stuck on the cross crying out for you to pay attention to Him either. He’s diving into the ocean, swimming down to the depths beyond the beauty of the coral to rescue us from the crushing pressure of the weight of the ocean. He reaches into the darkness and calls us out of it into His marvelous light. He takes our leprous flesh and breathes life into its diseased skin and nerves so we can fully feel Him again. So every muscle, every fiber, every tendon, every bone down to the marrow feels the fullness of His glory.

We sing His praises because He is worth it. We sing His praises because He is good and He is not bound by a box made by man, or any box for that matter because there is nothing that can hold Him. Just ask death, who is next to you, bowing at the sight of The Creator.

Every night my head hit my pillow and I was instantly asleep because every single day I was pushed to accomplish the various challenges presented to me from my leaders, but also eventually through the convictions the Holy Spirit was prompting within me. It was a good tired, a tired knowing that I had done practically everything in my power to accomplish those tasks. Or if not, learning from it and ready for the battle the next day.

It was the best summer of my life and I am so thankful for everything that was poured into me and I am so excited for what this year holds as I have been blessed with a new leadership opportunity at the On-Campus site for Resonate Church as the Creative Director. I am so excited to apply the training I had this summer among my peers. 

ALL glory and power be to Jesus, The Son of God, The Fulfiller of Prophesies, The Risen King, The Creator, The Atonement for Sin, The Biggest Romantic, forever and ever, Amen.

Thank you so much for reading.

Sincerely,

Alyse Neal

Please don’t take my word for granted on the words provided in these verses, read them in their entirety.

If you’re interested in material that will help you navigate where exactly you could get started in the word, please message me on Facebook and I’ll find some way to provide you with some material.

Also if there was any incorrect information in this post about anything besides whether or not Jesus is the son of God, please also feel free to message me. 

Those of you who prayerfully supported me this summer I would LOVE it if you kept me and the people i'm working with this summer in your prayers as we are planting a new church on campus. The Harvest is ready, but the workers are few. We specifically need male leaders to rise up and answer the Spirit's promptings because that need is especially great. 

Again, thank you all for your support because I would not have been able to have this trip without the loving support of not only the community I experience while i'm at school, but also that I have grown up with. 

Elevate: First Month Overview

Here it is... the prodigal blog post... finally come to fruition!

You may have seen the photos, the tweets, the Status Updates, but this... this is the real deal, this is the meat of the story.

I have started this post many times, under many different names, in many different locations, and I have finally concluded that there is no time like the present/this next week I will literally have no time to write til Sunday.

So here she is!

My time in sunny La Jolla has been inspiring, exhausting, challenging, gripping, enthralling, and most of all, absolutely beautiful. When you live within the contexts of God's plan, His overwhelming presence encompasses the deepest recesses of your heart.

For those of you who are just tuning into my little adventure, and have no idea why i'm down here, flooding your Facebook newsfeed with photos with incredibly long descriptions... I will tell you.

I am here with my church Resonate for ten (now six) weeks, experiencing community, learning the power of the gospel, and how they are truly dynamite together. Almost inseparable. Because The Gospel invites us into community.

During the day, and throughout the weekend, myself and the other Elevators have full-time (sometimes two part-time) jobs in which we are meeting people, hearing their stories, and then inviting them into community with us through BBQ's and other creative hangout ideas we have around our living area, the Mariott Residence Inn.

The idea is fairly simple, but has been increasingly difficult to explain to supporters, and people that are living in La Jolla. But the basic notion is that we are learning how to radically love people the way that Jesus intended through delicious food and inviting them into our community where we can not only share the gospel, but SHOW them the gospel.

Every Sunday we have a BBQ at the hotel we're staying at. The Residence Inn is pretty spread out with two or three different areas where we can hangout while we eat... and also the staff loves us, so there's really no resistance from them.

-----------------------------------

The first couple weeks, we broke down what exactly the gospel was, and how we incorporate that into conversation. Sounds simple, right? It is! It took us a little bit. Mostly through this whole experience i've really felt like a dusty rug or jacket that's been taken outside, dusted off, or at times, shaken thoroughly. Or like a rusty pot or pan that's been thoroughly washed, in the most beautiful, encouraging, and motivating way possible.

We have reading material, two books, The Life You've Always Wanted and The Fuel and the Flame. We're finishing up the first one now and i think that if you've ever done any sort of leadership with Resonate you know that these books are both basically Resonate's heart on college ministry. If they ever do a 'Resonate 101' class, you're probably safe in investing in both of these books.

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Well, that's the back ground information. Now let's get to the story stuff, my favorite.

The past few weeks, as I have been busy keeping up with our curriculum, finding a job, and finishing up some loose ends with fundraising, I have been incredibly blessed by those of you who have been seeking me out through Facebook messaging, texting, and calling to see how i'm doing. I cannot say how touched I am at all of this. It has been so incredible to not only experience the beauty of community down here with my fellow Elevators, but also feel the love from community from home.

The sheer amount of prayer I have from people is overwhelming, and I am not the only one who feels it. Within hours of me posting on my event page my need for a job for this trip on Facebook, I was blessed with a part-time job at a kids clothing store called Naartjie Kids (pronounced 'Nar-chie') and then four days later, another part time job at Banana Republic in downtown La Jolla. Every bit of that prayer goes into every single day that I am here, there is fruit.

In separate posts I will be writing individual stories that there have been specific prayer answers, as well as stories with people I have met down here!

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If there is anything that I have learned since being here, besides getting an amazing (and I mean AMAZING) tan, and relishing in the perfect San Diego weather, it is the incredible value of every person around me, and tuning/training my heart to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. This last week's lesson and focus was on practicing Spiritual Disciplines, which are almost countless in number.

Spiritual Disciplines can vary anywhere between practicing solitude, where you seek out the presence of the Holy Spirit (harder than it sounds, trust me). Or in specific situations, recalling scripture that you have written on your heart. The basic principle is that you are making a spiritual gym where you are exercising different spiritual muscles to further your relationship with the Risen King. Rest can also be a spiritual discipline as well, which is also harder than it sounds.

The crazy thing about Spiritual Disciplines is that if you are disciplining yourself in one area, it seems to bleed over into the others. Since practicing these disciplines I have also taken up exercising my physical body... for those of you who know me, you should be impressed. Really though. Honestly this has only been the last four days... yeah I can hear you laughing right now.

I can honestly say though that in every facet, spiritually, physically, and mentally I am being stretched and grown in ways that I couldn't have thought of on my own. Much like when you are working out and the next day you're sore in areas you didn't know you could be, such my experience has been spiritually.

The schedule that we have has been rigorous, as we are expected to wake up early, work, return to the hotel, and also keep up with the curriculum. With all of that responsibility, however, our group has been gifted with seemingly supernatural abilities to perform beautifully on lack of sleep. It's amazing what the Bride of Christ can accomplish with prayer support from other parts of the body.

--------------------------------

In Conclusion, my heart is at this point: Christ relentlessly pursues us. It is only logical that the outpouring of the hearts of His people would reflect that relentless pursuit. Though we are imperfect, He gives us His Word that we are filled by. Much like an infant is nourished in the womb of its mother, so are His people nourished in the Word of the Lord. Any believer is hopeless without His written word on their heart. No hope of growth could ever be accomplished without it. Likewise, any believer has no hope for consistent growth without a body of believers, watching their backs and calling out sin so it does not take root and destroy the ground on which The Lord has cultivated, as well as the relationships that The Lord has cultivated in the life of His son or daughter.

I appreciate each and every one of you who not only supported me financially, but in prayer as well. There are still a few of my team members who have not been able to be fully funded yet. Please keep them in your prayers.

PRAYER REQUESTS:
In your prayer life, please specifically be lifting up my places of employment: Banana Republic and Naartjie Kids. Pray that the ground that I am building there would be fruitful and solid enough that if I am not able to do an effective job sharing The Gospel, that a fellow brother or sister in the future would be able to share with ease. Please lift up the hearts of those who I am working with, and relationships that I could be building on the transit system here in San Diego.

Please lift up my heart, and my fellow Elevator's hearts that our goals would be aligned with what the Holy Spirit is doing in the area. Pray that our hearts would be inexplicably in love with The Creator and enthralled at His beauty and perfect plan. Although that area is seemingly quite covered ;)

Again, thank you. I want to consistently post daily, but I do not know what my schedule will be consisting of.

~Alyse :)

All glory and power be to God, the King and Redeemer forever and ever.
In Jesus' precious name,
Amen

Raw

I have honestly tried to start writing this post upwards of 100 times. With such a vague title, and not really knowing which direction to go in, I have explored several avenues. Such as: meat (joking), roadrash (also joking), weight of sin, and many other things.

What I did decide to do was basically just share a little bit of my story, and I think that finally the Holy Spirit is guiding me in a direction where I can finally string some words together.

When you're facing large moments in your life, moments where you know you're going to be changed in one way or another, you're going to have lots of different reactions. I can honestly say most of my life, I subconciously remove myself from what's going on around me, defense mechanism, whatever.

One of my pastors down here in Moscow at my church Resonate recently wrote a book. It's really great. His name is Josh Martin, and it's a memoir of his life, but as a person who learns best from illustrations and is a visual learner, I think I learned a great deal about my own life and walk from it. It's called 'Saturday Nothing'. It's available on Amazon.com and I highly suggest you read it. (http://goo.gl/0bXNj)

In it, he talks about how one of the best things for us as Christians is if our sin was on the evening news for everyone to see. This was really great for me, because personally my faith was spurred at a young age, and although I have never really stopped believing in the Divine power of my savior, I did kind of ignore him for a while...

I did a really good job of hiding my sin behind apathy. I resorted to saying: "I'll just be a good person, that's okay, right God?" God gently replied, "Alyse, there are lots of good people in the world, but they are empty." I said, "But God they look so comfortable and safe, and i'm so tired of fighting, this is exhausting." I didn't hear God say anything after that, and for a while that really made me mad until recently when I started getting back into the Word and realized, I pushed him away, and turned away to try and live a life of being comfortable for about three years.

This attitude stemmed from pride I developed. Now, i'm not a particularly prideful person by nature. In fact, I struggle much more with the other spectrum. I'm one of 'those' people who has really low self-worth and such. I've learned though, that allows me to boast in the Lord. That's a completely different story though, i'll probably explain it later in this post.

I started learning about God in about 6th grade, fell deeply and madly in love, and drowned myself in His word and His truth. He was faithful to pour out of me, and through that I was able to speak truth in love in a lot of people's lives around me in my middle school. Around 8th grade I started getting a little prideful of my newly acquired position of 'authority', and thus started spending less and less time in the word. I started making my faith more legalistic, only reading my bible because I had to.

But I still had my reputation as a 'Godly Girl' so, I had to keep up appearances, you know? That's a lot of pressure on anyone, especially an adolescent girl struggling with body issues and trying to figure out what flirting was and why my hair was suddenly greasy and I didn't have the desire to play and get dirty any more, but to try and be pretty and I didn't really know how to do that. Middle school/high school was hard enough with Jesus. I couldn't really imagine it without him, and God had put on my heart a burden for my peers I found myself in class with 7 hours of the day.

What's wrong with good intentions and trying to improve your walk with Jesus?

That's a question I asked myself a lot of the time after I started believing the lie that I could do my walk with Jesus on my own and that for some reason I was a prodigy and everyone should think I was awesome. The thing is, I'm not really prideful, and deep down I knew I was not the coolest thing since sliced bread. I knew I could not do it on my own, and there entered the deepest seed of people-pleasing.

The thing that is wrong with good intentions and always trying to better your relationship with Jesus, is simply: That's not Jesus. That's not the gospel either. And trying to better your relationship with Him is most certainly NOT why He died on the cross.

The point of Jesus' sacrifice was not to make us 'better people' or 'make this world better'. This world sucks. A lot.

I am severely self-centered. That is a phrase that you hear most christians or church goers say, including me, and it's the truth. It's something they are told regularly. All of my christian friends who are reading this are probably nodding their heads. And most of my readers are christians, so hear me when I say this friends: Following God isn't even about following God, or listening to His voice in your life, or maybe something more obvious like trying to fill your time with service because the bible says so.

These are all very good things, and they do much to benefit the outward image of Christ.

They are not our purpose.

Our purpose is to submerge ourselves in the heart of God and intimately know Him. That's all He asks. To give us the most epic, indescribable, and fulfilling love that far eclipses anything fairy-tales or sonnets, or love songs have ever described.

What also astounds me is just how often people underestimate the strength it takes to love. People are always so quick to be angry, fueled by a burning passion to 'avenge' or 'make right' any situation they were wronged in. In those trying situations, the strength comes, not from ourselves, but we have to have the strength to surrender ourselves to the Ultimate Strength that is found in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The strength it takes to love someone in a difficult situation is so great, in fact, that we need a supernatural power to do it. I think that because we are constantly surrounded by a world where we are focused on ourselves, because that is our nature, we cannot see anything outside of that. But God exists far beyond anything we could ever comprehend.

"Every good and perfect gift comes from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17 (NIV)

Humility hurts, and I kind of feel like I might have made this blog post sound like a journal entry, but my hope in sharing this information that it would help some of you who took the time to read this.

This next little slice of my story may come as a surprise to some of you, or not to others who are more observant than the rest of the human population (you hawks).

For a while in a little of middle and sometimes in high school I struggled with thoughts of suicide. There was a time my senior year where I was driving on the freeway at night. The wheel was shaking in my hands because we really needed to get the alignment fixed in the truck (maybe still do, we just roll that way) I was passing the middle stretch between Coeur d' Alene and Post Falls where there's a large field and I had a very strong urge to turn left.

The result would have probably been very bad to say the least, and all of this came from my selfish desire to keep up this image of myself that I had tried to attain from the impressions aquaintences got from me who did not understand the struggles of what trying to walk with God alone could bring.

We were made for community. Sin is not supposed to be kept in the dark, and thankfully He surrounded me with people who cared about me, and would not let me lie in the bed of darkness I had made for myself.

I realize that in light of a lot of events in the CDA and Post Falls and even Moscow area this post may be hard on some still sore wounds, but please understand that this was not my intention. Each person struggles with this differently, and I have no idea what any of those instances were like personally, and in no way am I claiming to know anything about suicide, or self-injury or any other instance where the fruit of feeling worthless is manifested. My only intention was to share with people the struggles I have.

Pity also was definitely not my intention. Again, my only intention was to share with people that this has been a struggle in my life, one that I have struggled with deeply for some time, and at least from my perspective, hid it so well because I lied to myself that it was even a problem. Burying it deep within myself, always ignoring the root of the problem when in little nasty ways it's fruit would come sprouting up out of the grave I had dug for it.

My intention was this: to crumble whatever pedestal I had placed myself on. Not that I ever thought of myself as better than anyone, I just refused to share the burden of my deep sin with my community. Believing the lie that they would judge me, or think that I was failing in my walk with God.

Isolating yourself is never good unless God draws you there. Even then He is there, because He's drawing you into His presence, inviting you to spend time with Him.

God draws us alone into His presence, because it is probably the most precious place we could ever be. God desires nothing but the best for us, which is Him. That's why He went to such drastic measures to be with us.

"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

Throughout this season of life, God has sufficiently shown me that although the world is much bigger, nastier, and much less fair than anything I could have anticipated growing up. He has also shown me that He is bigger, stronger, and more powerful than I could have ever anticipated.

God does not call us to bear our burdens alone. And thankfully, He sees all sin the same. An evil that separates us from the powerful love that allows us to live in fulfillment with Him forever.

God asks for all of us because He wants to help us, to fulfill us. He wants to love us. He is not weak. He is strong and He is not sitting on the sidelines begging for us to play with Him, whining when we don't spend enough time with Him. He is diving into the ocean, swimming to the deepest trenches where we have isolated ourselves, untying our bonds, slapping us awake and rushing us to the surface (that was also from my pastor's book, Saturday Nothing).

This fulfillment that I have been romanced by in the presence of God is why I want to go to San Diego. I want to learn how to share my faith effectively so I can share the goodness that has enveloped my heart.

Several members of my team (including myself) are still short the funding we need that is due May 1st. If you are feeling lead to give in any capacity, please message me on Facebook, and i'll give you directions on how to donate, or if you have questions as well I will do my best to answer them for you.

Thank you so much for reading, and I apologize if this post seemed a little grim. My posts tend to be a little more humorous, but I just felt lead to share this information with you all.

All glory and power be to God forever and ever, Amen.
--Alyse :)

You may be wondering why...

-San Diego-

I designed this for the trip... because i'm really, super excited....

-Why hello there!-

Welp, these last few weeks i'm sure you've heard many things about my San Diego trip. Some of you were invited, well, actually most of you were, to an event page on FB for the trip. I guess I didn't really think about how confusing it would be for everyone, but I was not extending the invitation so everyone else could go too haha. I thought it was just a great, personal way to let everyone know what the heck it was about, at least remotely, until I could get a blog post, like this one, to further explain it.

Some of you (most, actually) were shaking your heads in confusion, wonder, and worry as I announced I was auctioning off a date to raise the initial $350 I needed for my deposit for the trip. I'll get to that part a little later...

And still some more of you I have gotten addresses from so I can send you a letter in the mail, and well, I'd still really like to send you a letter, because that also allows me to send you a thank you card when my fund-raising is complete so... you should give me your address :) i've been very organized and have a spreadsheet with all of them :) Those of you who I do get addresses from will become people I keep the most current and accurate information to, as it shows me you're additionally interested in what exactly i'll be doing for the summer.

-Some Backstory-

This year has been such a year of growth for me. And, from my last posting, i'm sure I've expressed some of what happened last semester so I will not repeat it again.

Last summer was just like any other summer before it... spent mostly downtown CDA, catching glimpses of the sunshine in-between my work shifts and wishing I wasn't so gosh darn pale so I could look like a normal person in the summertime. I think that was the problem. I didn't really do anything to further the kingdom of God last summer and made some good money that helped me out in my transition period before school started and I had to wait to start my workstudy. I was thankful for my summer, but I also was convicted of the extreme lack of anything.

It was comfortable... too comfortable.

It also lead me into the school year with a feeling of complacency and killed any and all motivation to accomplish anything. I did not see the point, really. I think it's a wall most young adults hit when they enter into their sophomore year if they've gone right after high school. You've been working hard for 12+ years and you just want a break.

However, when school started I went into it looking for opportunities to accomplish something for the summer following my sophomore year, and looked into a few different avenues.... internships, mission trips, etc. I discussed a few of them with my parents and friends, and one way or another, through prayer life and community, doors were closed and I was sitting in my room in early January wondering what the heck I was going to do.

It was looking like I was destined for another latent summer, and I was already offering up apologies to God for being a loser, when my very best friend Alex mentioned that my church Resonate was wanting to do something in San Diego, training people in discipleship and such.

I was originally excited, and then thought about the cost, what it would mean to my family with it being a summer away, and as quickly as the idea had appealed to me, I let it die. Dismissing it's value for a fleeting thought.

A few weeks later, Resonate announced it to the congregation, and, well, whatever ideas I had about it before were put on the wayside as the Holy Spirit lead my heart and pushed me to the edge of my seat, goosebumps raised and after the promo video they announced there would be a meeting to discuss quesitons for those who were thinking about, or sure they were going to. I turned to my friends and said: I'm going!

Mind you, I am usually very pessimistic, debbie-downer, and basically "Safe" about these ideas. Discounting the power of the Holy Spirit to radically raise funding (which, every day, he continues to do... that guy) and whatever other road blocks I try to put in His way.

Needless to say, we had the meeting, I applied, got accepted, and then had two weeks to raise $350 that I didn't have...

-Date Auction-

I have a great community, both in Moscow, as well as from my hometown, Post Falls. A couple from my hometown community moved to Moscow this year and with it their expertise, wisdom, awesomeness, and overall swagger. I say this because it was they who gave me the idea for the date auction. 

At first I was extremely skeptical, not thinking I had the self-esteem or confidence to pull it off. I also conversed with my parents about it, as well as several other people before my very best friend decided to make the event page for it on Facebook. 

So, the whole first day, no one bid anything... and I thought to myself, yes, I do not have the self-esteem for this... 

The day continued this way until I told Alex that maybe we should make it clear that the bidding was on the page, that pretty much got things going. 

The weekend that followed was one of the most hilarious of my life, and Monday night was when it really went down. 

Two of my guy friends ended up winning after each of them had gotten to $320. At the advice of my friends, it was suggested to them that I would go on a date with both if they would each send me their support. Thus, I ended up raising twice as much as I needed and God is good for giving me a head start on this wonderful trip. Further fueling my desire to go, and leaving me increasingly thankful for friends and family that God has placed in my life.

Date Number One: Graffiti

-What we're doing down there-

The whole premise of the trip is to be trained as a disciple, while also having the opportunity to make money over the summer, because we're college students, ya know?

We will be living in "family communities" where every morning, we will start off with group devotionals , then breakfast, then we will work, then return, and each night presents a different opportunity for growth.

Thursday through Saturday will have areas for specific missional living avenues, and then Sunday will be a day of rest.  

We were also asked to make a commitment, followed by a specific list of leadership expectations, including:

Spending time (on our own) each day with God.

Sharing the gospel 

Finishing all Elevate assignments

Living within the guidelines of Christian community

Follow through with responsibilities (cooking, cleaning, etc.)

I have never been so happy to commit to anything. 

We will also be assigned a church community down there, where we will be additionally filled and help them out with what they need, and hopefully teach them a little bit of what we're learning as well. I love meeting new people, so i'm especially excited about this part :)

It was made clear to us by the staff that we were being held to a higher standard. A standard that requires integrity, trust, and produces fruit of the spirit. I'm kind of looking at it as a Spiritual Bootcamp for the summer. 

In the words of Kristen Wiig's character on SNL: "I'm just so fricken excited!!"

...I also designed this one...

-Elevate is important to me, because....-

Why Elevate is important to me, is because I want to learn how to share my faith simply. Without the years of Christian-eese that I have been submerged in. I want to learn how to share it honestly without fan-fare, condemnation, or any additional stuff that I have accumulated in my search for deeper understanding.

This was particularly appealing to me, because I am responsible for finding work every summer, but especially this last year it has been especially heavy on my heart that I do not really share my faith with those around me. I have become complacent in my faith. At least to the standard set in the Gospels, which is a pretty high standard.

Basically, it really comes down to this notion: If I really believe what I believe is real, I should be telling people about it. The reality is, I WANT to tell people about this joy inside of me. It overpowers me, it fills me up, it spills out of me, and I want to share it with those who have been placed in my life, because let's be honest... Life really royally sucks quite a bit. There's death, lots of death, everywhere around us. It is the result of a world riddled with the simple act of choice.

Because this is the basis of everything we believe in. The simple truth that I suck a lot. A whole lot. I am nowhere near perfect. I intentionally and unintentionally inflict pain on those I love, and consequently, don't love. I can't love everybody. But everybody needs love. Jesus, God, provides that love to everyone, because He is what everyone is waiting for. He's the missing link, the empty hole inside, the next step. Jesus is everything. 

"For God loved the world so much that He gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life."

John 3:16

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Romans 5:8

God looks at earth and sees our pain and suffering, He sees more of it, understands it deeper than any of us could. His heart breaks far deeper than ours ever could. He is jealous not irrationally like us, He is jealous because He knows He is the answer.

-Fin-

Thank you so much for reading. It really means a lot to me. If you do feel lead to give, please message me via facebook, or you can text me if you have my number (just specify who you are, because I lost a lot of them. Really I did). 

Sincerely,

Alyse

Catching Up

Hey guys! It's really been a while hasn't it? Funny thing is, I have tried twice to write posts and have not been able to for whatever reason. Well, first off, summer really presented no reasonable content and can be summed up in pretty much three words: Work, sleep, eat, repeat... Okay so four, whatever.

Either way, once summer ended (which for me was early August for recruitment and such) I was hurdled into a world of business and responsibilities and to-do lists, so then I had quite a few things to blog about, especially once school started and I met some of my professors. There were a few days where I distinctly thought I was on a reality TV show, just because of the characters I had this semester. One was my anthropology professor and, to use a phrase, bless his heart, but he just was not the best educator I have had in my career as a student. I say that like it is a career, but I mean, let's be real here, it's a survival skill. The first day of class, he spoke so quietly that every move that any person made in the class would muffle his voice and for those of us in the back of the class daydreaming, on our smart phones, or laptops would be straining in our seats to hear what he had to say. Basically it was hopeless. Another educator of mine, this time a doctor is a very distinguished man, and while i started out the semester passive-aggressively hating him for the workload he was giving us in order to Ace his class, I can safely say that as this last week was finals, I have never had so much respect for one of my teachers at the University of Idaho. I may not have killed the material on his tests, but I can safely say i now know the necessary steps to take to effectively study, not only in his class, but others as well. My Physics in Every day Life teacher probably had the best character out of them all (well, it's a small tie between this one and my JAMM 100 class). He was probably the most american man I know, but would use the phrase 'bloody' like it was going out of style, haha. He was just a really crazy, passionate man who had the MOST difficult time with names. I honestly can't really write more than that because I didn't attend class this whole last month. Before you judge me and my academic excellence, there was not attendence as most of the points were based on participation in an online forum and about 12 different in-class assignments. I got an "A" actually.

My final an absolute favorite professor this semester was hands-down my JAMM 100 professor. Literally straight out of the 40s and 50s, without fail he would bring a coffee to class with a fedora and THE classiest dress coat i have seen. He was always hilarious and made material that was always otherwise boring, strangely interesting. A former Newspaper editor, he reminded me of a former time where things were simpler and there was not a new interface for computers every year. I know you must be thinking: Wow Alyse, you're a Graphic Design major, shouldn't you love technology? The answer to that question is a whole-hearted and resounding - NO. I think technology would have been fine if it stopped at the typewriter and lipstick. Just kidding, I do appreciate efforts made my smart people with a knack for gadgets, I just wish they were a little more user-friendly. I mostly say that for technology I don't understand, which can be a lot.

On a more serious note, this semester has been perhaps THE mostly challenging in every area of my life. my classes were not particularly difficult, but at the beginning of the year I had a couple, if not several instances where God worked on my heart to break down strongholds that had been in place in my heart since practically grammar school days on the playground. Confrontation was the name of the game, and boy did God do a number on me. Mostly what I learned was that prayer before any serious conversation for God to occupy my thoughts and my mouth so that the words I said would be accurate, honest, to the point, and that God would help me formulate my thoughts. God also taught me how to defend myself, which is huge. I've never really been able to do that. And even still, after all of this training, sometimes I have trouble forming basic sentences at normal parts of the day where there is not a bit of stress. That's just how I am, I guess.

As this semester closes, I am awestruck that even though I felt I went through this last semester looking at life with one eye closed through a clear glass filled with vegetable oil, God has proven to wake me up in a time where my prayer, and hopefully yours is needed. A few of some of the most amazing people I know are journeying to East Asia for some really great opportunities. If you could keep them and their teams in your prayers, that would be extremely appreciative. For whatever reason, this is the wake up I needed, and I have a burning desire and passion to be a prayer warrior for them as they are on the other side of the world doing work. Every day I am lifting them up in prayer and petition, and if you would join me, at no particular time, just really whenever you find yourself thinking about them.

I am sitting in my living room, practically falling asleep in my sweats. My eyelids feel as though there are lead weights attached to them. Last night there was a fire in the fireplace next to me, and I was incredibly content. One of the primary lessons I have learned this semester is just how many people God has strategically placed in my life who genuinely care about me. That my parents love me unconditionally, and I have friends who are also very caring. I just am particularly aware of the amount of love I have in my life, and especially the fact that I have a Creator who every day makes deliberate efforts to give me my smallest, and greatest joys.

Just today I was wiping the snow off of my dad's windshield and I was struck by the silence. It's amazing when you live with so many girls how valuable silence can be. I was the only one mobile and active in the general vicinity. No cars were passing and I was just sitting there in utter silence. If I strained my ears I could faintly hear the small amount of cars that were driving on the freeway. But I just love how snow muffles all of the busy sounds of the world, and when you are a kid, laying in the snow bank behind your house with the snow flakes melting on your face, you get that singularity feeling. Sometimes I would just sit there for what felt like hours and just think. Now I can't really remember what, but boy did I think.

It was immediately after this nice appreciation for the weather that I journeyed around the back of the truck to get to the drivers side that I promptly fell on my rear. My foot just slipped right out from under me, and there I was just laughing like a maniac in the silent snow with the faint sound of cars passing miles away.

         God definitely has a sense of humor.

After this humorous, silent fall on my rear, I went to start the truck and found that it would not go forward because the road was so slick and I was parked on a hill. Try as I might, the darn thing would not move forward. It was then that I had the brilliant idea of putting it in reverse. This was probably the best idea i have ever had, because once I used my brain like a normal person, I was able to turn around and get out of there like it was no small thing. Any of you distinguished young men friends of mine are probably just having a great time laughing at me. You're all a bunch of misogynists. Just Kidding, but kind of not really. It's not because i'm a woman, it's because I haven't had a lot of experience. Also, it was really funny and i'm genuinely proud that I was able to get myself out of that predicament without the assistance of any other person.

--

Over the summer, and since I have been home I have been touched by those of you who have reached out to me, and told me that you look forward to my blog postings, it's really touching and I hope this one was up to par with what the last one was. I may or may not be posting another one soon as I have instances that come up that are particularly amusing. They usually come to me in fleeting moments randomly in the day. Like just yesterday I had a day dream that I became the Lucille Ball of my generation. A desire of mine that is not so secret anymore. I had my very own TV show with a studio audience who really thought I was funny and didn't have to be told by a teleprompter. It was fleeting, and i'm pretty sure it was during one of my finals, but it was a nice day dream, right? Haha

Well, here's some music I am loving, as per usual:
Christmas music:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=7gzJFwB0JzE
Indie music:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RL37o_nylH8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHBsO3jHLfo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4bTi8mpWpI

Also I have created a photography page out of an expression of my hobby, check it out if you want to see some cool stuff!
https://www.facebook.com/two.photog?fref=ts

In conclusion i'll leave you with some scripture, but I encourage you to also check out the context and the surrounding verses as well as he one I suggest to you, because there is so much more than what people put on Facebook, and if you have questions, write them down to ask someone in your life you trust, because God is not scared of questions. Ask him any you want. Also, my blogs are not law. They are in no means to be taken as spiritual direction, I encourage you to talk to someone in your life who has a full understanding of scripture if you're wanting to receive direction of any kind.

Psalm 39:6
Matthew 5:1-11, in lew of the recent tragedy in Newton.
Matthew 19:14
Psalm 7:17

God Bless, and thanks for reading!
-Alyse :)