My Thoughts on V-day

Now, let’s just settle some pre-conceived ideas you may be having about this article. It’s not a witch fest where I’ll be ranting about my singleness, with an ‘Oh-woe-is-me’ attitude. I’m simply addressing a subject that Valentine’s Day seems to highlight with the broad spectacle and grandeur of a Broadway production.

Singleness.

The subject has made itself very apparent for me in my third year of college. There are numerous articles about it through many different great Christian magazines, blogs (Relevant, namely) and has increased its weight in my life to such a burden that I’ve more than once had to rely on my friends to support me.

For most of my life I’ve been single. I realize I am not alone in this, but for whatever reason it has become glaringly obvious this year, and a deep-seated urgency has also taken root.

I’ve found myself fighting thoughts and feelings similar to: “Well, your friends have been faithful in their pursuits of Christ, so naturally they would be rewarded with God-fearing men.” To “you’re really running out of time… you know that, right?”

I realize that both of these thoughts are entirely irrational, but nevertheless they become battles I have to fight against roughly every day.

A darkness very similar to the one I had expressed last spring in my post: “Raw” came back in a familiar fashion, which really annoyed me, because any old foe is never welcome when you have conquered them in your life.   

Through my times of reflection, one commonality intermixed and hidden in all of these fears has come to the surface: my fear of loneliness.

For the past few years I have made some friendships that rival any I had made previously in any forms of grade school. Friendships I know that I will make every effort to maintain once our ways are parted and God leads us in different directions.

Romantic relationships break that up a bit early, and the realization that these relationships my friends are in are just a step in that direction of separation is very hard.

For the past three years of my small life, I have been relying on these women through different areas of refinement that my Creator has put me through. SERIOUS refinement through some major character flaws, and through some of my very first serious life decisions that will affect the way I live the rest of my life. As such, they are some of the most important people in my life.

I tried for a while to stuff these feelings like they normally do, but they proved too strong, and my God was ever more merciful to press my friends to express how I was feeling.

They were great, reassuring me of my worth in Christ, but it was never enough. I walked away from conversations feeling just as empty, and vehemently fighting against bitterness towards them and the seeming fantasy splendor glory of their rainbow-unicorn relationships… I guess I’m still working some of that out.

Hey, it’s a constant battle against our sinful nature, guys.

On the other side of the coin was the logic that said: “You know, you could get any guy you want…” A logic that is both extremely vain and unrealistic for a few reasons:

1.       No one should date someone because ‘they can’.

2.       It’s SO selfish of me to even think this, because no one’s doing me any favors dating me, because well, if I do get married that stuff takes real work and dedication so anyone you date should be someone who you could see yourself marrying.

3.       I’m really still figuring all of this crap out, so please don’t consider me a dating guru… There’s a lot of other great books out there on this (B-I-B-L-E whatup).

One final thought also made itself apparent.

What am I doing to cultivate the main relationship that truly gives me Life?

I’m looking at this fantasy as a way to fulfill this intimately-rooted desire to be fulfilled through long strings of adoration, praise, and also challenge. A problem I’ve carried into several of my relationships, regardless of whether or not they were romantic, friendship, or family based.

My worth in Christ in unmeasurable, every day He makes ways for me to feel adored, telling me constantly that the insecurities I’m feeling about my acne that just won’t go away, to the significant difference in the tightness of jeans that day is not a direct reflection of my WORTH in His Heart. In the Heart of the Creator of the Universe.

My worth is not based on the amount of people in my life, or the amount of affection they have for me. Those relationships are definitely an added richness, and are highly valuable, but when I start putting them on a high plane that what I have Christ at, that is when I am lacking fulfillment.

It’s like eating a handful of salad after you haven’t eaten all day. Don’t get me wrong, I love salad, but that stuff just won’t cut it when I haven’t eaten all day.

I’ve written a poem that further illustrates this journey. It’s called ‘Her’ and it’s my second most recent post after this one.

I hope that this Valentine’s Day, while many of us are wandering around without a significant other, there are so many other levels of love besides romance. Ones that add a richness to your life more than the passion of romance can. It’s only like, the top level after all. Families, friends, and every relationship should be celebrated on a day of love.

Thanks so much for reading, and as always I hope and pray that this post motivates you to seek our Creator, the giver of Life to all things.

Sincerely,

Alyse

Her

I’ve got a sister, a sister I don’t tell anyone about.

She’s probably the closest in blood to me that anyone could be, because, well, she is me.

I guess the term ‘sister’ was misleading.

Sorry for the misdirection.

I just wanted to make a better connection.

I really hate talking about her, she makes me look bad.

She’s thin, though not an attractive thin that Hollywood portrays.

She wears a wedding dress, waiting for the promised knight in shining armor.

I asked her once why she wears it, she just replied:  “I’m just saving some time, I don’t want to give him a reason to leave.”

                ////

She’s weak, her skin hasn’t seen the sun in quite a while, because, I keep her locked away; I don’t want anyone to know about her.

Her eyes are sullen, used to being open wide to see in the darkness.

She’s my deepest fear, my biggest embarrassment.

Her hair is stringy, and she’s my most tremendous harassment.

Her teeth are yellow, because all she eats are sweety treats

She’ll whine if I give her anything of substance.

And boy is she ugly… her hip bones protrude from her thin dingy dress like two tent posts underneath a tarp.

Her spine seems unnaturally sharp.

She’s the last person I want anyone to know about, I bring her out very last in a mock celebration, wearing a humorous hat to ease the shock, wincing when I see the look on people’s faces.

I sit there ready, waiting for them to tie up their shoe laces;    for the run.

It’s been this way for a while.

                ////

Then I met a man.

Though not in the way that most people do.

There was nothing romantic about it, He was just kind.

He seemed to know what was on my mind.

What was scandalous was, he asked me about Her right away, if He could see Her.

I feigned ignorance, pretending like I didn’t know what He was talking about.

And I was just about to shout…  He looked at me the way my mother used to, that all-knowing smirk.

I looked right back at him, telling him through my eyes that it WOULD NOT work.

He didn’t ask me a second time, He seemed to know right where I kept Her.

I told him, shouted at Him, begged Him, lost all pride and fell on my face before Him.

But it was there on the ground that I knew then…

It was then that he walked right past me, right to the door…

He knocked… then He knocked again…

What was weird was, she didn’t answer right away.

I thought: Maybe He won’t stay…

But then He knocked, and He knocked again

I thought: this isn’t going to end

He kept right on knocking though, even through my tears and screaming, He kept on PROCEEDING.

I shouted at Him: Why can’t you leave Her alone? She’s hideous, you don’t want to see her, she’s weak, all she eats are tasty treats, the serpent said that if no one knew about her, I could have glory, I could move mountains and live like a Queen! It’s better if she’s stays there in the darkness! No one could ever love HER.

Then the door opened.

She peered around the corner, squinting in the light that was not much brighter than what she was in.

But I guess if all you’ve lived in is darkness, any light would be shocking.

Especially when it’s from Him.

She looked so confused, He was not what she was expecting.

She just kept staring at Him, and I was standing there, in awe, because the look on His face was not one of disgust, or one of politeness.

It was one of the purest love, joy, peace, patience and kindness.

When she said “hello” it was in a voice so small you wouldn’t have even been able to hear it in falling snow.

I sighed, exhausted from all of my ranting still waiting for Him to flee.

He stayed, resilient as a thousand-year-old tree.

He said softly, as a rancher does to a scared animal in a dangerous situation: “May I come in?”

“In here?” she asked, “No one has ever wanted to come in here..”

He just smiled softly, then gestured towards me, urging me forward, and putting His arm around me.

“We would both like to come in, if that’s okay.”

I was beyond uncomfortable.

My stomach was on a turn-table.

Her sparse eyebrows were furrowed, gauging whether or not to grab the hat I usually parade her in.

Then she opened up the door so He could see Her in full view.

Knowing, too, that she was the last choice as someone any man would want to woo.

I kept on expecting His hand to fall, for him to lace up his nikes and run to any other place that promised more fun.

She said: “yes, please come in.”

My heart dropped, surely this was it, I braced myself for the inevitable sprint, surely this was a stint.

Because no one ever stays

They’ve got too many changing ways.

It’s too much work, I’m too much work.

But not for Him.

He entered my heart, looked at my sister in the face, looked at me in the face and said: “I have redeemed you, you are mine, I have ransomed you, you are free. I am the both the breath and the bread of life, I have called you by name, you are mine. You are worth more to me than all of the nations of the earth combined, I have sought you out, you are not too much work, I did the biggest expression of love for anyone and I have died for you, but also come back to life because I could not be without you.

You are my Beloved.

He’s not a boy. I’m not smitten.

It’s not some kind of affection you have for a kitten.

It’s deep, and wide, and spans centuries; the history of all Creation.

There is nothing that can separate me from it. I am called beautiful in the eyes of my Lover. For eternity He will pursue me, and I will sing His praises because He deserves it. He completes me in every single way. I am whole, and free, and I have the breath of life within me.